I still do the thing where I check the ex's Instagram and Twitter accounts (he recently made his account public. I'm still blocked, but if I'm not logged in, I can see his tweets.)

I still do the thing. Less often now, and I think in the future, I will check it only out of a faint sense of curiosity. Until I don't check it at all. Because he wouldn't matter anymore.

You know what I found out? I found out that of course he wouldn't tweet about the breakup and how it made him feel. Our social media accounts exist to enable us to present only the best versions of ourselves, or the versions we have deemed 'okay' to show to the world. For instance, I don't go around social media telling everyone that I stalk my ex's accounts. Instead, I give off the impression that I am fine: I share thought-provoking articles about artificial intelligence being the perfect amalgam of science and faith; I tweet witty one-liners about the traffic, I share photos of the vegan food I'm eating so people wouldn't think that being vegan means eating bad (bland) food. I share the best part of me.

So no matter how thorough I look into the ex's accounts I will not find anything worth knowing. Because in the end, there is nothing worth knowing about him anymore.

It's weird but true: I only think about the ex when I have nothing to do. When I am swamped with work, family, etc., I hardly think about him at all. I think this is a good sign. That someday, the space he takes up in my mind will shrink until it disappears.

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I wonder sometimes if I should stay single forever. The idea that one "needs" to partner up and "find love," how did it start? Is it a valid proposition? Or is it an outdated reaction to our instinct to procreate, continue the species?

When you have your own mind and can legally refuse to procreate, is it alright to stay single?

Of course it is! I wish we can remove something in our body that controls the impulse to find someone and be attracted to them. That would solve so many problems in my life.

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Why do I feel the need to set single people up on dates? It never even occurred to me just how offensive that can be, especially for someone who really wants to stay single. Somehow, I feel the need to 'help' them when they don't need any help at all, let alone my help.

Why is being single looked upon as a handicap? Like it's a thing to overcome. Ugh. I badly need a paradigm shift.

...

(I haven't been counting the days since I quit smoking since I relapsed for a while there. I'm clean again. Yoga sucks when you smoke. Don't do it, kids. It's a disgusting habit)

Posted by notwocanoccupy on June 15, 2017 at 11:02 AM | Series
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